"I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains—but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned—but if I have no love, this does me no good."
- I Cor. 13
it’s almost autumn. this year is the only time i can remember wanting summer to pass. normally i cling to my favorite season with the fervor of a kid being dragged off the beach. i dread winter; that’s part of it — christmas would be ok if only it were in, say, march. but i truly love summer. the heat. the burnt skin. the long nights. mostly, the ocean. i go to the beach even in the winter, though it’s not the same. yet now, i want more space between me and the earlier part of this year. if summer has to be that space, it’s fine by me.
an escape is different than space. i don’t escape anymore, though there are fleeting moments i’d like to. i learned how not to escape, ironically, by escaping… until italy taught me how to live one day at a time.
it’s 71 degrees this evening in new york. it feels like los angeles, which always has the perfect temperature. i cooked tonight, ate dinner. i needed a walk. i walked around my neighborhood, house after house offering up a lit-up window or two that turned them all into life-size dioramas. if i were invisible — and i often forget that i am not invisible — i could stand outside one and watch the american dream unfold. i rounded one corner as a family with young kids scattered from their minivan, home from a game. the father was pudgy and had a lot of phlegm in his voice. i morbidly wondered if he was ill.
i see scenes like these play out and something like a concerned detachment washes over me. i can’t force myself to want these things — a 9-to-5, a house and car in my name, more debt, someone else’s dream. there was a time when i at least wanted to want these things that seem accouterments built-in to the package of growing up. but these days, i am content to observe them, and eager to let them wash over me, like a wave, like a season, like this fading summer.